Rants Of The Heart
How does one explain pain? Is it physical, emotional, or mental eternal?
How does one explain pain? Is it physical, emotional, or mental eternal? I need to understand if this is just a problem or does anyone else suffer from constant hurt and regret. I am your typical 32-year-old woman on the outside, but on the inside, I'm hurting. I have found love in a man that doesn't love me back? Or does he?
I have been a damaged person since childhood. I was in foster care, then adopted, back to foster care, and embraced again. Some might ask me so what's wrong with you? Why no one wants you? Well, I'm here to figure this out because you would feel bad seeing a broken girl who was 3 years old. But what about a woman who has been broken for 32 years and is desperate to figure out what is wrong with her.
What did I do so wrong to have parents who abused her family and did not want her and people who disregarded her, mistreated her, and broke her repeatedly. I am willing and able enough to say MOST was not my fault. Or was it. Was it my fault my parents were addicts? No, but it was my fault I became one. Was it my fault that my adoptive parents abused me? Maybe it wouldn't have happened if I had done better and didn't misbehave.
Was it my fault that the men I dated used me? Perhaps if I had shut up and listened, they wouldn't have. I struggle daily, trying to figure out if it's me or if it is just life. I know now everyone has a bad story; my whole life has been bad. I just want to understand what is wrong with me and can't quite grasp it.
I try every day to put on a mask and say I'm Ok, but deep down inside, I know I have some deep-rooted issues that need to be solved. So here's the question for the day, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WAKE UP, FEELING YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Well, I'm here to tell you you are good enough. We are tested, and Understanding the answers to that test is the hard part. So let me give a little advice. Life is like a house.
The first part of building a home is DESIRE. What kind of house do you desire? How will it look, where will the rooms go, how big will it be? Design it how you see fit to make you happy; in life, you have to make a point to desire what you want, how it will look, and where and what you will do to get it that way.
Next are the blueprints. Draw out your house can't build anything without instructions, so consider life goals as your blueprints. Then develop your foundation and. Make sure what you are doing is a good foundation. An unsteady foundation will break and bend and fall.Then you start building the walls and put walls up to protect yourself from all the dumb stuff, all the hurt ECT.
Add some windows so people can see how good you're doing and your strength because we all have AMAZING power. Add a door, so you can let the people you trust in, but don't allow someone who will end up hurting you and destroying your happiness. On the inside of your house, you can decorate it as you, please. Same with inside yourself, you choose to be who you want and what kind of person you want to be.On the other hand, I was built on a broken foundation.
I didn't have much choice in what came into my life because I was never taught the right way to love someone; I was given so much negative attention I wound up believing it was what I deserved! I let people hurt me because I was shown pain, abuse, neglect, and negative love. I feel so alone because I have been isolated my whole life, so I pay attention even if it's negative, and when I'm not, I stay alone in my room, begging for the pain to stop.
I fell in love with a man who promised me so much and became my prince charming. Then BOOM, he changed, and now he thinks playing games with my emotions is ok. I have now built walls so high and so strong I am too scared to let them down for anybody, and it's sad. I won't give anyone a chance because Iafraidraid I will get hurt. I'm terrified of the outcome of things.
Sometimes I feel so DAMAGED that I call myself damaged goods. I hope and pray one day, I will not feel this way. I'm sorry I used this as a rant fest, and if you read this, know this is me asking for advice! WHAT SHOULD I DO.